1
00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:11,243
Hey, ALF.
What are you doing?
2
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:14,780
Tying a slip knot.
But I can't get it to not slip.
3
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,317
Say, that's not
my good string, is it?
4
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,320
Willie, if you have good string
5
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,055
you've got to get out more.
6
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,825
Brian?
It's 10 to 7:00.
7
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,627
We're gonna be late
for the scout meeting.
8
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,562
(Brian)
'Coming, dad.'
9
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:37,536
Don't tell me, Willie,
you made a few calls
10
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,572
and got him
into the National Guard.
11
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,940
Must you make that joke
12
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:46,478
every time you see Brian
in his uniform?
13
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,515
Yes. Next question.
14
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:53,218
Well, I think you look great, B.
15
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,820
Thanks, dad.
16
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:58,590
Seeing you in that uniform
really takes me back.
17
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,693
Obviously not back far enough.
18
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:05,130
Back to my old days
as a Badger Scout.
19
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,099
You were a Badger Scout?
20
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,568
I mean you went outside
and everything?
21
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:14,873
There has been more to my life
than going to work, you know.
22
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:19,812
I know. You also take off your
glasses and rub your nose a lot.
23
00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:23,048
I was a Badger Scout
for four years.
24
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,183
I earned 11 badges
25
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:26,752
and I received an award
in fire prevention
26
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,021
which has proven far more useful
27
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:31,590
than I ever would
have dreamed possible.
28
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,662
Brian, let's go.
29
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,632
These aren't very
good knots, ALF.
30
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,568
Stop badgering me..
31
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,470
...you little badger.
32
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:45,571
Come on. Come on, B,
we're late.
33
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,005
- Bye, ALF.
- Bye.
34
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,941
Oh! Oh.
35
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,042
Car keys.
36
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,713
Sheepshank.
37
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,751
[theme music]
38
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,907
[music continues]
39
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,022
[music continues]
40
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,484
I don't get it, Kate.
41
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,419
I'm here during the day.
42
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:10,022
Well, I know, ALF, but I-I still
think that a daycare center
43
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:13,025
would be best for the baby
when I go back to work.
44
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,893
Are you saying
you'd rather trust your child
45
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,863
to total strangers than to me?
46
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:21,433
Well, not-not to hurt
your feelings, ALF, but..
47
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,068
...oh, yeah.
48
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:27,873
Mom, you majored in art history
in college, didn't you?
49
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,375
- Mm-hm.
- Did you like it?
50
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,110
Oh, very much. Why?
51
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,379
I'm trying to pick
my courses for next year
52
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,981
but I don't know
which courses to pick
53
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:38,650
because I haven't decided on
what I'm gonna major in.
54
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,319
Forget college.
55
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:41,954
Enter the fast-paced world
56
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,156
of medical
and dental assistantry.
57
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:45,791
You can keep your present job
58
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,793
and train at night.
59
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,863
Honey, wha-what do you think
you might be interested in?
60
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:55,067
You may be eligible
for veteran's training benefits.
61
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:59,004
Will you be quiet?
62
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,506
But I haven't told you
what the operators are doing.
63
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,842
- ALF.
- They're standing by.
64
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,380
Then there was this time
we were digging a latrine
65
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,382
out behind the patrol tent..
66
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,884
...and out of nowhere
this big skunk
67
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,686
comes in and sprayed everybody.
68
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,922
You wouldn't believe
the stench!
69
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,658
Could this wait
until I finish my popcorn..
70
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,494
...and get my own apartment?
71
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:26,331
No, I'm passing along
my campfire memories
72
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:29,468
to Badger Brian,
if you don't mind.
73
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,236
How'd your scout
meeting go, Bri?
74
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,804
- Okay.
- Okay?
75
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,307
It was fantastic.
76
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:36,775
Brian here is gonna go
77
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,044
on his first overnight
next Saturday.
78
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,680
Oh, that's great, Bri!
79
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,181
Yeah, real great.
80
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,950
Now we have to listen a week
81
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,885
of the adventures
of Willie Crockett
82
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,454
king of the wild front lawn.
83
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:54,026
Well, it's obvious
you've never experienced
84
00:04:54,028 --> 00:04:56,161
the joys of roughing it.
85
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:59,431
So sue me.
I'm a couch alien.
86
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,667
I'm going to change.
87
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:04,469
Brian's gonna love communing
with nature. I know I did.
88
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,471
Falling asleep under the stars
89
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,173
the cool ground beneath you
90
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,842
warming your hands
by an open fire.
91
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,111
What were you,
a Badger Scout or a wino?
92
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:19,151
Must you discourage
everything I do?
93
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,287
Yes. Next question.
94
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:26,792
[instrumental music]
95
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,463
Sleeping bag?
96
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,698
Yeah.
97
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,166
Poncho?
98
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,267
Yeah.
99
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,501
Mess kit?
100
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,203
It's in the closet.
101
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,838
I'll get it.
102
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,414
- 'Brian?'
- What?
103
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:50,882
'What's a mess kit?'
104
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,585
It's got a knife
and a fork and some pans.
105
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,021
I got it.
106
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,523
Why don't you pack
some important stuff?
107
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:02,060
Like tacoroni?
108
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,963
I don't care.
Pack whatever you want.
109
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:08,266
I sense a growing disenchantment
with this venture.
110
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,434
Huh?
111
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:11,636
How come you don't want
to go camping?
112
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,338
I wanna go camping.
113
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:16,575
Right, and Joan of Arc
wanted to go to the barbeque.
114
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:19,745
What gives?
115
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,546
Can you keep a secret?
116
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:25,951
No, but there's a first time
for everything.
117
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:29,521
I'm scared to.
It's gonna be dark out there.
118
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,123
Oh, yeah.
119
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,825
But there'll be lots
of other kids around.
120
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:37,028
That's even worse.
They'll think I'm a baby.
121
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,631
Well, just tell Willie then.
122
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,133
He'll take off his glasses
123
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:45,003
rub his nose and tell you
you don't have to go.
124
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,806
I know.
But he loves camping.
125
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,676
He'll be real disappointed if
he finds out I don't wanna go.
126
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,245
Where don't you wanna go?
127
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,781
Camping with the Badger Scouts.
128
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:57,115
Bright boy.
129
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,184
Tell him there's no reason
to be scared.
130
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,253
That was a secret, ALF.
131
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:05,123
So revoke my security clearance.
132
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,625
You know, I never went
camping myself
133
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,326
but, uh, back in New York
134
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,562
I heard about
this one scout troop.
135
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,696
They camped in Central Park
136
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:14,933
and were never heard from again.
137
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,535
[laughing]
138
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,604
Thanks a lot.
139
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:24,743
Brian, the only thing you have
to fear is fear itself.
140
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:28,180
Or a very Brady anything.
141
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,450
What do you mean?
142
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:34,052
Why don't we camp out
in the backyard tomorrow night?
143
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:38,023
I'll show you that it's not
scary. Just boring.
144
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,491
I don't know.
145
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:42,027
We'll stay up
as late as we want.
146
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,529
Go to bed without
brushing our teeth.
147
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:48,500
Eat hot dogs until we're
10% meat by-products.
148
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:50,936
Yeah.
149
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,839
Come on, B. Live a little.
150
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,674
You can come too, Jake.
151
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,109
No, thanks. I got a life.
152
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,711
Might be fun.
153
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,313
Sleeping outside.
154
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,215
I like ceilings.
155
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,251
Breathing clean, fresh air.
156
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,687
In Los Angeles?
157
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,958
Being right under Lynn's window?
158
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,961
What do you want
I should bring?
159
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,467
You know, it's funny.
160
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,970
I got the impression that Brian
wasn't all that enthusiastic
161
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,638
about camping out,
and now he can't even wait
162
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,873
for his scout trip.
163
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,108
Oh, he's got the Tanner zest
for adventure
164
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,744
that's for sure.
165
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,679
You know, I can't believe
he's actually old enough
166
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,214
to be camping out.
167
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,783
It seems like only yesterday
he wasn't old enough
168
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,652
to be camping out.
169
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,087
Now he's a little man, alright.
170
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,589
Oh, I almost forgot
his gummy worms.
171
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,694
Well, I think
I finally figured out
172
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,363
which courses
I should register for.
173
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,331
Oh, did you choose a major?
174
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,367
I was thinking
about art history.
175
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:57,302
Oh, honey.
176
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,704
I-I mean it's admirable that
you're interested in art
177
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,641
but do you think that's really
a practical thing to major in?
178
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:03,909
What do you mean?
179
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,777
Well, we have a saying
in college
180
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,345
those who can do
181
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,614
and those who can't major
in art history.
182
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,349
[laughing]
183
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,388
I majored in art history.
184
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:19,624
You were the exception, dear.
We never laughed at you.
185
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:20,759
I suppose that studying
186
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,694
mankind's greatest
artistic achievements
187
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:26,398
wasn't nearly as interesting as
drawing population pie charts
188
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,233
like you social science majors--
189
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,536
I never drew a pie chart
in my life.
190
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:35,073
Oh, okay, okay,
once I drew a pie chart
191
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,741
and you know what?
192
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,311
It wasn't bad.
193
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,913
And where's that
pie chart today?
194
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,949
I'll tell you where it's not.
195
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,350
It's not in the Louvre.
196
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,054
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um..
197
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,289
...we're having a pool
at the office.
198
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,258
What year did Van Gogh die?
199
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,727
The year they asked him
to draw a pie chart.
200
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:04,102
[instrumental music]
201
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,707
Well, it's not too scary yet.
202
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:12,077
Wait until it gets dark..
203
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:15,180
...and the moon
moves behind a cloud..
204
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,848
...and the fog rolls in.
205
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,317
[laughing]
206
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,152
I'm going back in the house.
207
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,521
Wait. Relax. Relax.
208
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,990
There's nothing there
in the dark
209
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,958
that's not there
in the light..
210
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,560
...except bats.
211
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:33,465
[groaning]
212
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,105
What do you have in here, ALF?
213
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,240
Just a few carry-on items.
214
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,675
They'll fit in the overhead bin
215
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,877
or under the seat
in front of me.
216
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,980
I thought we agreed
to only bring along the basics.
217
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,515
I did.
218
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,851
- Let's see.
- Hey, you got a search warrant?
219
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,355
[sighing]
220
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,727
"Meatballs?"
221
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,297
"The Great Outdoors?"
222
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,200
"Ernest Goes To Camp?"
223
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:12,437
It's the wilderness trilogy.
224
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:15,040
What are we supposed
to do with these?
225
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,242
You didn't bring the VCR?
226
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,012
Hey! Those are rentals.
227
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,480
What else have you got in here?
228
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,815
(ALF)
'Nothing.'
229
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,552
Frappes.
230
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,355
No Frappes.
231
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,293
Cheez Whiz?
232
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:37,228
Meat Whiz?
233
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,764
Fish Whiz?
234
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,834
Hey, we need something from each
of the major Whiz groups.
235
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,205
Come on, Brian.
Help me pack this junk up.
236
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,207
- Traitor.
- He's right, ALF.
237
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,943
We have to go
by the Badger handbook.
238
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,279
Ugh. No Cheez Whiz?
239
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,648
No Frappes?
240
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,083
No VCR?
241
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,585
What's the point
of going camping?
242
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:03,354
That is the point
of going camping.
243
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,690
I thought that was the point
of going to prison.
244
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,527
Look, ALF, this was your idea.
245
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:13,164
Now, if we're going to do it,
we're gonna do it right, okay?
246
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,033
Oh, alright.
247
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,135
[telephone ringing]
248
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,037
- What is that, ALF?
- Nothing.
249
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,239
[ringing continues]
250
00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:24,242
Hello?
251
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,078
No, cancel the pizza.
252
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,880
We're going to die.
253
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,283
[instrumental music]
254
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,488
[instrumental music]
255
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,693
[indistinct singing]
256
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,631
Dad, do you have a stamp?
257
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,233
[humming]
258
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,802
- Dad? Dad?
- Oh! Oh.
259
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,470
- Sorry.
- Oh, you scared me.
260
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,439
Sorry.
Do you have a stamp?
261
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,741
I want to mail
my course registration.
262
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,676
Oh, sure. Sure.
263
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,612
You mean you decided
on a major then?
264
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,114
I was thinking
about social sciences.
265
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,916
Maybe become a social worker
like you.
266
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:08,019
Well, Lynn, I-I'm flattered
267
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,821
and I-I'm impressed.
268
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,724
It's not an easy road
you've chosen, you know.
269
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:14,692
- It's not?
- No, no.
270
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,161
It takes
a special kind of person
271
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:18,863
to train all those years.
272
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:20,732
All how many years?
273
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,333
Well, um, let's see.
274
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,069
You've got, uh, undergraduate
studies, four years.
275
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:26,471
You've got two years
of grad school.
276
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,439
You have your, uh, thesis
277
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,441
your internships,
your field work--
278
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,177
But it pays off
in the end, right?
279
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,978
I mean
you really like your job.
280
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,714
Oh, yeah, yeah.
281
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,584
But there's not a lot of jobs
like mine out there, you know.
282
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,052
Oh.
283
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,887
And you're not gonna get rich.
284
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:44,155
Hmm.
285
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,258
But it's
a very rewarding career.
286
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,793
You get to work
with a lot of people
287
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:52,063
with some really
serious problems.
288
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:55,366
Oh, so there is an upside.
289
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,235
So, y-you want me
to mail this then?
290
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,204
Not yet.
291
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,840
I mean maybe
I could help more people
292
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,641
as a ski instructor.
293
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:10,381
So the cab broke down
in the seedy part
294
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,917
of the Lower East Side, see?
295
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:15,587
And just as the cabbie got out
to check the engine
296
00:14:15,589 --> 00:14:17,522
a big cloud of steam blew up
297
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,225
from the deserted
subway station below.
298
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,627
'The one they had to close
after a bunch of guys'
299
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,963
'died mysteriously down there.'
300
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,164
[wind howling]
301
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,433
Aah! What's that?
302
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,134
I think it was the wind.
303
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,369
Unless it was a cab.
304
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,504
[laughing]
305
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,306
Aah! Cut that out!
306
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,242
You're scaring Brian.
307
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,676
It's just a story, ALF.
308
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,144
What happened next, Jake?
309
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:41,746
Okay, okay.
310
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,715
Out of the cloud of steam..
311
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:47,085
...came the phantom
of the subway
312
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,020
dressed all in black.
313
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:53,091
A hood covering
his skull-like face..
314
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,026
...and instead of a hand..
315
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,195
...he had a gleaming hook.
316
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,963
Uh. Huh.
317
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:02,367
Isn't it time to sneak across
the crick to the girl's camp
318
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,836
and blow out
their citronella candles?
319
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:07,505
Now, where was I?
320
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,374
The gleaming hook.
321
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,809
Sheesh.
322
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,046
So the phantom hails the cab
323
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,748
with his good hand.
324
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,950
Now the Cabbie's scared,
so he yells
325
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,219
"I'm off duty, buddy."
326
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:24,689
'But the phantom
doesn't know from off duty.'
327
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,026
'And slowly walks over
to the camp.'
328
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,895
¶ Michael row your boat
ashore ¶¶
329
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,965
Shh. ALF, the story
is just getting good.
330
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,134
Now, all the Baptists.
331
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:40,104
¶ Hallelujah ¶¶
332
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,839
So, the phantom
wrenches into the cab
333
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,241
and snags the cabbie
by the neck
334
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:46,244
and drags him down
into the subway with him.
335
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,913
Until all you could hear
336
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,581
was the phantom..
337
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,050
...laughing.
338
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,552
[laughing]
339
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,988
[wind howling]
340
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,223
It's the haunted taxi.
341
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:00,725
Yikes! Yikes!
342
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,727
Yikes! Yikes! Yikes!
343
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,200
(ALF)
Taxi! Taxi!
344
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,702
Taxi!
345
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:16,708
ALF is hailing a cab in the den.
346
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,449
Exactly when did I lose control?
347
00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:31,889
(Jake)
'Yo, ALF!'
348
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,192
(ALF)
'There's nobody here,
but us pillow shams.'
349
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,996
[sighing]
350
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,398
- What's your problem?
- Nothing.
351
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,133
I was just afraid
I'd catch my death
352
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,068
of gleaming hook out there.
353
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:47,105
[sighing]
How's Brian supposed
to get over being afraid
354
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,906
if you turn chicken on us?
355
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,442
Let him get over his fear
of the dark in the morning
356
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:54,112
when it's light out.
357
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,180
We're camping
in your backyard.
358
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,715
What do you think,
psychopaths get a map
359
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,451
of the Tanner house
from the AAA?
360
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,920
Do I look that stupid?
361
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:05,590
I'm talking about real dangers.
362
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,693
Like...slugs.
363
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,628
You're scared of slugs?
364
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:13,998
Real threat to those of us
who go barefoot.
365
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,800
If I promise
to de-slug the yard
366
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,135
will you come back outside?
367
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,202
No way.
368
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,538
Hey, we were making
real progress out there.
369
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,540
But once Brian realizes
you're scared
370
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,908
he'll be scared.
371
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,777
I mean you could ruin
his whole life.
372
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:27,378
What girl's gonna
wanna date a guy
373
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,313
who won't go out after dark?
374
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:32,183
Then you help him.
I can't.
375
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:35,153
I'm telling you,
there's nothing scary out there.
376
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,754
Unless you count
that herd of stray cats
377
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,924
that prowls every night.
378
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,426
Cats?
379
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,761
Big ones.
Lots of them too.
380
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:49,434
Well, maybe you're right.
381
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,602
How scary can our backyard be?
382
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,271
I knew you'd come around.
383
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,239
I'm only doing this for Brian.
384
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,008
Yeah, I know.
385
00:17:57,010 --> 00:18:00,011
Can we stop in the kitchen
and get the wok?
386
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:04,782
- Oh, hey, Mr. Tanner.
- Hello, Jake.
387
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,152
Oh, hi, Willie. What's up?
388
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:11,222
Nothing much.
What's up with you?
389
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,825
Same old, same old.
390
00:18:13,827 --> 00:18:16,594
So I shouldn't be concerned
about that little taxi dance
391
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,296
through the den?
392
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:21,132
No. No, we got everything
under control.
393
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:22,300
Fine.
394
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,268
Fine. Where's, uh, Brian?
395
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:25,536
Oh, he's outside.
396
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,238
He's outside.
397
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,706
We're going back there now.
398
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,842
We're going back there now.
399
00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:31,876
Bye.
400
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,344
Bye.
401
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,982
If a cab shows up
on the den..
402
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,252
...I'm taking it.
403
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,557
Oh, and no more
scary stories, Jake.
404
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,060
Well, just one more.
The Headless Stockbroker.
405
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:50,595
Forget it.
406
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,298
Where is Brian?
407
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:59,170
Oh, no!
He's been gleaming hooked!
408
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,306
Maybe he's in the tent.
409
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,309
Hey, he is in here.
410
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:06,677
He's sleeping.
411
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,313
So much for being afraid
of the dark.
412
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,915
Well, my work here is done.
413
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,950
- See you at brunch.
- Wait!
414
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,619
What if he wakes up
in the middle of the night
415
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,154
and sees you deserted him?
416
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,755
Cover for me.
417
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,058
Come on, ALF.
Brian's counting on you.
418
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:24,061
Oh. I hate being a role model!
419
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,100
Here, sluggy.
420
00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:30,868
'Here I come.'
421
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,838
'Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy.'
422
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,607
'Don't be in my sleeping bag.'
423
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,976
'Good sluggy.'
424
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,745
Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?
425
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:44,215
Oh, nobody gets tucked in
in the wilderness.
426
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,017
Well, at least zip me up.
427
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,086
[sighing]
428
00:19:51,457 --> 00:19:53,457
Hey, hey, watch the fur.
429
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:54,892
It's for your own protection.
430
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:57,562
We don't want any slugs
getting in, do we?
431
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,765
Oh! Zip it up over my head.
432
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,668
Goodnight, ALF.
433
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,670
Goodnight, John-Boy.
434
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,340
It was right after
the stock market crashed.
435
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:11,642
There was this
headless stockbroker!
436
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,444
[laughing]
437
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:19,584
You know, Jake, there are places
you can go for that.
438
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,118
Party pooper.
439
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,824
[cat mewing]
440
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,895
[grunting]
441
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:35,233
Oh. This is the worst night
of my life.
442
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,437
[sighing]
443
00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:43,841
[instrumental music]
444
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,411
Kate..
445
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,314
...I'm sorry
I made fun of your major.
446
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:53,184
So I brought you this.
447
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:57,755
It's the evolution of art
from primitive cave drawings
448
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,524
to "The Wizard Of Id."
449
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:02,693
Oh, Willie.
450
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,763
You know, it occurred to me
451
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:06,998
no matter what our kids become
452
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,899
social workers,
art historians
453
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,301
shipping magnates
454
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,870
they're gonna,
they're gonna inherit ALF
455
00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:14,338
and be broke anyway.
456
00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:19,110
Willie.
Willie, this is lovely.
457
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:21,545
I'm sorry if I overreacted.
458
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:23,614
We shouldn't argue
over something so silly..
459
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:26,651
- Mm-hmm.
- As pie charts.
460
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,286
Silly old pie charts.
461
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:30,087
[both chuckling]
462
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:34,425
Well, I finally picked
my courses.
463
00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:37,962
I trust you've made
a good career choice.
464
00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:41,132
You're majoring...in..
465
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,670
Nothing.
466
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,139
I found out that with all
of the required subjects
467
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:50,908
I have to take I'm not gonna
have time for any courses
468
00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,411
in my major
until I'm a junior anyway.
469
00:21:53,413 --> 00:21:55,212
So I'll decide then.
470
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,649
(ALF)
'Oh, Willie!'
471
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:00,451
Yeah. What, ALF?
472
00:22:00,453 --> 00:22:03,621
'Could you come out here
and help me with my knots?'
473
00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:05,089
No, I'm busy, ALF.
474
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:07,692
If you want help,
come on in here.
475
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:09,360
'Alright.'
476
00:22:15,968 --> 00:22:19,637
Oh! Come over here,
I'll, I'll untie you.
477
00:22:19,639 --> 00:22:21,939
I would,
but I can't seem to drag
478
00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:23,708
the piano any farther.
479
00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:24,942
[grunting]
480
00:22:32,618 --> 00:22:34,819
[theme music]
481
00:22:59,645 --> 00:23:02,380
[ALF laughing]